I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.