I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
🤣😂🤣
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead