I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”