I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*