@seriouslyemily: I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."
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@offsidebastard: The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
@TheHyyyype: [creation of insects] LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night BEE: I will pollinate flowers FLY: I will eat shit and die
@MikeCanRant: *watches as both hands turn into devils* *looks over sink* HAND SATANIZER "Oh, this is just great"
@lecalabara: Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.