@seriouslyemily: I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."
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@KeetPotato: wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
@rolldiggity: 1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"