Fat chances are my favorite chances
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My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”