I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.