I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
This story is comedy gold 😂
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
when u come home smelling like another dog
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂