I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of