@kDuncanG: I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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@rachelle_mandik: ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote! HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote ME: Funny story! This one time—
@evofck: My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.
@Book_Krazy: Judge: So, you don't know how the victims blood got in your car? Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".