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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
very niche meme I made
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
i meant to share this earlier
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!