I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Social Media and Real life
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies