My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo