I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Previously On Persistence 😎
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!