I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Tremendous stuff
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.