Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.