ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Going to church you guys need anything
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Google Pay be like:
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started