If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.