I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
This tweet has been deleted
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”