Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.