@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
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@notalogin: Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
@weenbeans: *rubs temples* security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@internetluke: *as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 "Wow, push-ups?" Uhm, no? Just learning to count.