@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
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@david8hughes: [ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
@pants_leg: i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
@LoveNLunchmeat: No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they're gonna have to murder me first.
@McNevich: Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We'll wait