@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
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@myles_morrison: I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich. Diagonal = normal Straight = serial killer No cut = dad
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him- Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don't do that
@gwatts77: Just ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online ordering system & it asked me if I had any instructions for the driver. Yes, "Bring weed, bro"
@jamiesont: Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.