@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
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@mstluvstrinkets: What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
@doktorj: A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier
@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.