@JT_IV_: I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
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@JKNenagh: Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too? #slapped
@adamhess1: The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me
@dorsalstream: As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I've turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
@T_Bonezzz: Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... **Coughs up hairball** Dog: You gonna eat that?