@JT_IV_: I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
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@Jack_Wagon1: "What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers* "What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?"
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new diet where I order Wendy's salad and then eat all my kids' fries.
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: OMG guys just watched the news and those "COEXIST" bumper stickers totally aren't working :/