Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
just pretend nothing happened
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse