I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.