I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now