@cloudypianos: I like talking to bartenders because they can't go anywhere.
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@JermHimselfish: Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
@ruinedpicnic: [buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful
@JohnLyonTweets: Dad was probably bluffing when he said he'd turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE.