@cloudypianos: I like talking to bartenders because they can't go anywhere.
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@panmidwest: CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5's and a 10? ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote 'never change' in my high school yearbook] no
@PoliUncorrect: Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car
@Interdome: "Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them." - Archeologist who discovers the Internet
@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.