@ieatanddrink: I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
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@simoncholland: If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on too.
@PaulyPeligroso: So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or...
@ThisOneSayz: Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
@Steelers1972: There's no easy way to steal a watermelon.
@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request me: cool! Facebook: she's racist now me: uhh Facebook: everyone on here is
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