@ieatanddrink: I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
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@foodandwhining: People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.
@bourgeoisalien: I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I'm unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
@HomeProbably: The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell. Now no one ever knocks on my door.
@Sassafrantz: [public restroom] Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable" Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you