@imlaurenmcguire: I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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@noog: The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh
@TheToddWilliams: FRIEND: What's your favorite underground band? ME: Hmm...The Beatles FRIEND: They're not really considered underground ME: Half of them are
@foodfacenow: *At restaurant trying to impress date* Me: How are these prepared? Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave. Me: Excellent.