@imlaurenmcguire: I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders? Me: For cups. 6: But you can't drink and drive.
@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.