I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
we’re dead?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open