@WritePlay: I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn't violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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@somelightcrying: Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who could that be? It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock? Me: It depends on how they were raised...
@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
@PinkCamoTO: *interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it's a small place, but you won't even know I'm here.