I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.