I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.