@michaeldean0116: 'I like the smell of your meat' may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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@Eightinchgoat: *Pulls your panties to the side* *Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
@ehchino: "What is your reason for divorce?" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'
@TheTobbie: Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it...
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.