@michaeldean0116: 'I like the smell of your meat' may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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@bananagrvyrd: Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog's bedding and another dog fell out.
@SergioValenCo: If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
@noog: "What sins have you committed?" Well... [20 minutes later] ... finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father? *vomiting sound*