‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
🐕🍷
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield