‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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Happy birthday to all the women
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.