I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.