I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey