@Mr_Kapowski: I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-" Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
@funnyordie: Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That's not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.