I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The struggle is real
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Breakfast for Stoners:
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.