[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
🤣✨#caturday
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.