Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.