kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Who called it baking and not making love
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”