I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I am having an out of money experience.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card