@Swishergirl24: I like to drink while I clean and that's how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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@bornmiserable: My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
@Sickayduh: [woman on death row] "Your last meal?" - I don't care. You pick. "Fish?" - Gross no "Steak?" - No. Anything is fine tho. "Pasta?" - Ew carbs
@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?