@Swishergirl24: I like to drink while I clean and that's how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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@shariv67: People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait.
@khook32: Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat
@onion_an: Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies