I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.