Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You Might Also Like
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
This forever.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then