I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.