I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.