I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
You Might Also Like
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
the world’s most popular steaming services
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.