I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You Might Also Like
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.