“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Don’t talk down to me
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.