@RS3Feed: I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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@deenasjoint: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
@SomthinBoutSara: Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
@Annoyinglyhappy: Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
@thepunningman: Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor