I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You Might Also Like
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking