Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like