@jordan_stratton: I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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@notalogin: If you see a kid who's physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they've never noticed and will thank you.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats
@jimmytorosian: Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
@LipLush1: 911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"