I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote