I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
You Might Also Like
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices