I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
You Might Also Like
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.