I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
You got this…
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad