I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.